Holidays are difficult when someone we love has died. The empty chair at the table, seeing families who are still complete and remembering holidays past magnify the absence of our loved one. Everyone else seems so joyful and full of the holiday spirit. We sometimes wonder if they even remember that we are grieving.
Grieving during the holidays is typically exhausting and overwhelming. We hope these simple suggestions help you make your way through this very hard time of year.
Acknowledge that you are sad and that this year is different. You are not going to be blissfully happy and filled with holiday cheer. You are grieving the loss of someone very special in your life. Grief doesn’t disappear on holidays. Give yourself permission to experience all of your feelings and to process all of your thoughts. Be aware that you may have grief bursts or grief tsunamis as the holidays magnify your loved one’s absence and you miss them even more. Remember to take good care of yourself. Rest. Spend time alone if you need it. Give yourself permission to cry, to laugh, to smile and to do whatever you need to do to get through the holidays.
Keep your expectations realistic. Keep holiday plans manageable and bite sized. Remember that the anticipation of the day is often more difficult than the actual holiday. Decide what you are going to do on the day. Keep it simple and remember you can change your mind depending on how you feel when the actual day arrives. Remember that it’s perfectly fine to get away for the holidays and to do something entirely different this year. It’s also perfectly fine to do nothing and ignore the holidays.
You don’t have to do it all even if you’ve always done it all. Ask others to take some of the responsibilities you have done in the past. You don’t have to accept invitations to gatherings, even virtual ones. Follow your heart and do only what you think you can manage. It’s helpful to practice responses in anticipation of invitations that you may choose to decline if you aren’t up to attending or if the host/ess pressures you to attend. You don’t have to give an immediate response. Simply say, “Thank you. Let me think about this.” You can also say, “Thank you. I’m not up to it this time, but please ask me again.”
If you do participate in a holiday event, have an exit plan. Before you go, decide how long you are going to stay and leave when you need to leave. You can always change your exit plan if needed.
Remember that just because you do something different this year doesn’t mean you’re going to do it this way the rest of your life. Remember that you have the opportunity to keep some traditions, put some traditions on hold, change some traditions or add new traditions.
Remember you can honor your loved one by preparing their favorite dish, buying or making an ornament in their honor, lighting a candle, etc. You can share with family and friends that you are honoring your loved one or you can do it privately. It’s okay to buy a gift for your loved one. Remember that your need to get something for them is important. You know in your heart that they don’t need a gift, but you may have a need to buy one for them.
Be proud of yourself for making it through this very difficult time of year. Grief is hard. It’s not a question of “if” you can get through the holidays. You are already doing it.