Do’s and Don’ts - Guidelines for Supporting a Griever

Carol Ricks Bowman

Words and actions matter. Words and actions can heal and connect, but they also can create barriers and hurt – especially in the context of grief and loss. 

So I went on a search for some guidelines of the “better” way to personally respond to a person who is grieving the loss of a loved one. Along with online resources and my personal grief experiences, I asked Donna Manning and Dr. Judy Prather, long-time chaplains, to also provide their suggestions and wisdom.

BASIC GUIDELINES FOR PERSONALLY SUPPORTING A GRIEVER

• Don’t Assign Positive Meaning To Their Loss.

  In our effort to encourage and support the griever, we may try to project the current situation into a better future way too soon. Saying “Time will heal all things” is not helpful. Prophesying a future positive meaning on top of the grieving person’s crushing and devastating loss tends to minimize the griever’s current agony, essentially suggesting that they sweep their pain under the rug while focusing on some potential positive long-term outcome. Stay in the moment with the griever.
  
  

• Follow The Grieving Person’s Lead.

  Be an attentive active listener. Allow the griever to take the conversation where it needs to go. Make room for plenty of silence. Don’t jump in to fill space with unnecessary commentary.

  Sometimes before a two-way conversation can even begin, the griever just wants someone to sit with, literally or virtually. No questions or words of comfort are needed to fill silence. Presence is often what the griever really needs.

  On their own, sometimes the grieving person will identify a silver lining or hopeful thought that adds meaning to their loss. This is a normal and often constructive way to cope with grief. Remember, the griever is the only person who can know what this loss means to them. Only the griever can make meaning of their experience. Once they do so, it’s appropriate to support them in their newfound hope.
  
  

• Use The Name Of The Lost Loved One

  While you are comforting the griever, all of their emotions are tied up in the loss of their beloved. Saying their loved one’s name out loud is a way of validating the life of that person. Say “Ann”, not “your sister.” Say “Allen”, not “your son.” Say “Stu”, not “your husband.”

  Don’t ever be afraid to mention the person lost. Grievers want to talk. Memories are all that remain after a loss, and talking about the person who died helps to keep them alive in broken hearts.
  
  

• Refrain From Platitudes
  Refrain from platitudes, religious or otherwise, like “They are in a better place” or “Time heals all things” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Don’t pretend that you know the answer. You don’t. No one does.

  In my own several personal family grief experiences, including losing my parents, three nephews, my brother, our daughter (to cancer) and my sister (to COVID-19), it’s unfortunate but true that I tend to remember many of the clueless statements people said to me. As a person who desires to support a griever, pay attention to what you say. 
  
  

• Never Say Anything That Starts With The Phrase “At Least…”
  Comparing and contrasting your own grief experiences or dreamed-up hypothetical ones with the reality of the loss that just happened is missing the mark in several ways. Making your loss the topic of conversation is asking the grieving person to switch their focus and empathize with your grief at a time when the total focus should be on her or him, not you.  Don’t say, “I know how you feel.”  You don’t.
  
  Seems to me, describing how something worse could have happened represents a thwarted attempt to say something, no matter how unhelpful. Stay out of your empty-word, ill-formed autopilot script. Choose not to go there.
  
  

• Be Open To The Expression Of Any Emotion

  As an active listener, be open to any emotions the griever may express through verbal and nonverbal means – anger, yelling, silence, rage, disbelief, denial, crying, pacing around the room, shouting, rocking back and forth, wringing hands, clenched fists, avoiding eye contact, needing to be held, avoiding touch, etc. 

  Be observant about what the griever is expressing (overt or subtle) and allow a safe space to be in the moment. Do not, in any way, tell them not to feel what they are feeling.
  
  

• Remember Anniversaries

  Try to remember anniversaries such as the birthday of the person who died and the anniversary of the date of their death. Sending a card or a text will let the griever know that you are remembering too, reminding them that they are not alone.
  
  

As people who genuinely care, we can learn to increase our confidence and elevate the quality of our supportive communication through personal experience and intentional ongoing education. As our own grief and loss experiences continue to teach us, we can become more sensitive and compassionate to others who experience personal grief and loss.

Let’s do better.