From Fatherless to Fatherhood

By: Mike Lefebvre

My dad and I spent much of my childhood and teenage years building a Lionel train set together. The kind of train set that was never complete, but was an ongoing opportunity to bond, build, and operate something together. These were the exact trains he played with as a kid. The kind of O-gauge locomotives that “they don’t make ’em like anymore.” Unfortunately, we had to pause building when he unexpectedly died of a heart attack in 2002. 

I’ve been part of the Grief and Loss Center since 2016. Through my time with the Center, I’ve since come to learn that certain objects – like this train set – are known as “linking objects.” These objects are physical things that connect and/or remind us of our lost loved one. While our train set build has been on hiatus for 21 years, it’s nearing time for me to finally retrieve it from storage and resume building. As of this writing, my wife is pregnant with our first child. Impending fatherhood has provided the catalyst I’ve needed to resume updates to our train set.  

As a linking object, it brings back many memories of when we last worked with these trains together. Although he’s been gone over two decades, I’ve learned through the Center that grief is not an illness that can be cured. Unfortunately, in our culture, we act as if grief is like a broken bone that you can heal and then everything is back to “normal.” But that’s not the case. Because grief is love with no place to go. It’s missing the advice from your lost loved one; missing their voice; missing the next planned train track upgrade. So, it turns out that grief is more like a surgery scar than a broken bone. Yes, you’ve healed, but you’re not ever going to be quite the same.  

While this linking object is a reminder of the times that I had with my dad, it’s also an opportunity to link the past with the future. I now have the chance to continue building these trains with my child. And while I admittedly may have been stuck or unable to build without my dad, I now feel empowered (I’ll admit a bit obligated) to pick up where we left off. Because this is an opportunity for these timeless linking objects to continue to be the opportunity for a parent and child to build a lifetime of memories. I’m thankful that these trains literally link across three generations, and hopefully for generations to come.