Grief: The Fear Factor

Laurie Taylor


We never talk about it, but grief is often accompanied by fear. C.S. Lewis beautifully describes the fear he felt when grieving his beloved wife. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.”

Our meaning and purpose in life often leaves with our loved one. What do we do now? Why are we still here? What is our purpose? What brings us real joy?

When someone we love dies, we often fear how we will pay the medical and hospital bills and the funeral expenses. How will we make it without their income? Sometimes our financial security completely disappears.

We sometimes fear for our own safety especially if we are now living alone. What if I become ill or fall and can’t get to the phone? Who will know if I don’t return home after running an errand? Who will be with me if someone tries to enter my home?

We also often fear the future that is now forever changed. How do we recreate the future we had planned? How do we create a future without them? Who is going to take care of me if I am incapable of caring for myself? To whom will I leave all my treasured family heirlooms?

One of the greatest fears we often experience is the fear of losing our memories of them along with the sound of their voice. We fear that others will forget them too. When someone we love dies, the spotlight is on the final months and days before their death. Our more distant memories are dim almost to the point of being invisible. As time goes on, the spotlight that once highlighted their final days will dim, and a new, broader light will shine on all the memories we had of them before they died.

How do we manage the fear that sometimes engulfs us? Here are some simple suggestions that might help move you from a place of fear to feeling secure again:

  • Stay where your feet are. Don’t think too far into the future.

  • Make a list of the things that you worry about or fear the most.

  • Is there any action you can take to alleviate the worry or fear?

  • If you don’t feel that you currently have the skills or knowledge to tackle your worry/fear list, who can help you with it? Reach out for help.

  • Remember that finding meaning and purpose again doesn’t come in the initial season of grief. Focus on grieving and mourning your loved one and take care of all the practical issues you have to manage. Later in your journey you’ll have the clarity and energy to find new meaning and purpose.

  • Lean on your higher power.

  • Remind yourself that you don’t have to worry about IF you can get through the loss of your loved one - you ARE doing it!