Grief vs. Mourning: What’s the Difference?
By: Carol Ricks Bowman

My hope was substantially diminished and time seemed to abruptly stop right after the death of our daughter, Kirsten, after a long cancer journey. It’s now been over two years since her departure from this earth. The feelings of grief and loss are still palpable daily.

During our early fog of grief, a dear friend recommended that I connect with the amazing Laurie Taylor at the Grief & Loss Center. Over several months, my husband Lee and I spent long hours with Laurie, sharing our numbness, developing deeper understanding of our new reality and clarifying our unexpressed feelings.

Laurie gave me a beautiful golden Hope stone. It sits on my desk as a daily reminder of my intentional choice to befriend Hope.

 And very importantly, with Laurie’s help, we became aware of the significant difference between grief and mourning.

Grief: the constellation of inner thoughts and feelings one has when someone we love dies. Grief is truly never over. It’s a life-long journey and a universal experience.

Mourning: outward expression of one’s grief.

Anyone with the capacity to give and receive love grieves when a loved one dies.  We learned from Laurie, however, that much of the personal healing process happens with intentional expressions of mourning. 

As a result of this new understanding, and in our daughter’s honor, I connected with the Grief & Loss Center’s support group of Moms who have lost adult children. I decided to move to action, to respond to opportunities to express my grief through acts of mourning, while showing love and receiving love from others who care.

My first intentional mourning action was making Memory Pins for each of the Moms in the support group, with charms uniquely representing their son or daughter. Making and giving these special items brought much joy to my heart. I recently received a card of appreciation from one of the precious Moms who wore her Memory Pin to the memorial service of a second son who had just died.

Another amazing experience of mourning was participating in an elegant Mother’s Day Tea hosted by the Grief & Loss Center, for Moms whose sons and daughters would not be around to celebrate this special day. Each Mom showed a photograph of our child and shared our story around the table. We listened and hugged and cried together. In the closing moments of the Tea, we were given a live butterfly to release in the garden. What a blessing!

Other personal mourning actions have included a “Kirsten Flower Garden” in our front yard, and a balloon release with our son and grandchildren on our daughter’s birthday.

I often wear one of Kirsten’s necklaces. When someone comments about it, I have a chance to tell the story and share a moment of her life.

When I respond to a text and want to express my love, I place a purple heart beside my message. Purple was Kirsten’s color.

For Mother’s Day, I asked for a bougainvillea plant, like the one in Kirsten’s California front yard. Mine is now in full bloom on our deck.

There are so many examples of how I choose to celebrate her through little moments along my daily journey, thanks to my pivotal renewed understanding of the importance of expressing my grief through acts of mourning, making more memories. 

Now that my awareness is sharpened about the necessity of grief and the opportunities to proactively mourn the loss of our daughter, I have also come to understand that I need to grieve and mourn many other losses in my life, not just loved ones who have died.

During this time of pandemic crisis, uncertainty, isolation, anxiety and insecurity, I can definitely name recent personal losses and grief suffered:

• Loss of hugging and playing and laughing with our precious grandchildren Samuel, Emilia, Benjamin and Caroline.

•  Loss of freedom to go out and around the community; losing awareness of what is going on; missing not seeing any blooming Texas wildflowers this Spring.

•  Loss of personal contact with family members and friends without the use of   technology.

•  Loss of church involvement as we have come to know it - showing up, corporate worship, small group sharing.

•  Loss of purpose as my community activities have been curtailed, feeling like my spark has been muted.

•  Loss of control over little personal decisions like shopping for preferred items at the grocery store; a sense of compromise and forced satisfaction with what is available online.

•  Loss of perceiving the beauty of my world except through an electronic screen.

However, extended isolation during the Covid-19 pandemic has also given me opportunities to express my grief. Among other things, I have chosen to develop messages of hope to share, including writing this article.

So…….while living with uncertainty, grief and loss, one can choose to befriend hope.

Amid your grief and losses and items on your to-do list, maybe your most important deliberate action for nurturing your spirit and healing your broken heart is to intentionally and outwardly express your grief.

How are you GRIEVING your losses?

• What feelings do you wake up with and go to bed with?  Stay with them long enough to acknowledge and get better acquainted with them. Notice how feelings may change when you let them show up.

• What thoughts fly through your mind as you handle daily living? Like birds flying through your yard, pay attention to them as they come and go. Notice them but let them fly on, moving temporarily out of your view.

How are you MOURNING your losses?

• How are you expressing your grief? Notice how you feel versus how you choose to express your feelings.

• What intentional acts of mourning will you choose to take?  Imagine some simple act that will quietly honor your loved one in a unique and memorable way. Make more memories.

Take a deep breath of HOPE, and do it!