I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore
Laurie Taylor

A concern expressed by many of our clients is loss of identity. “I don’t know who I am anymore” is commonly heard in our support groups. The struggle to reestablish identity after the loss of a loved one is often difficult. It seems we’ll never find ourselves again. We’ve lost an important person in our lives and that’s hard enough, but then we don’t recognize the person we have become as we grieve their death. Consequently, we feel as if we’ve lost them and ourselves in the process.

Most of us have probably never stopped to discern who we really are by removing all the roles we play in our lives. Our jobs are what we do, not who we are. Our roles in our family are based on our relationships with our different family members, but not who we are. Our hobbies and interests are important, but don’t define us. When all of this is stripped away, who are we?

We are more than the roles we play in our lives, but even before our loved one died, we probably never stopped and evaluated who we are deep down inside without all the trappings that sometimes hide the real us. When someone we profoundly love dies, we are suddenly thrust into the very core of our being, a place we’ve probably never fully been before. Confusion and the loss of identity occur when much of who we are was intertwined in our relationship and the roles we held in the life of the one who died.

Though we often don’t recognize it, we immediately begin rebuilding our lives after the death of a loved one. They may have served as the foundation of our lives. Or they may have been the window through which we viewed the world. Or they may have been the security that allowed us to open the door to new people and new experiences. When they are no longer physically present in our lives, our foundation feels as if it has crumbled. The windows are covered in darkness and we can’t see our present or our future. The door is slammed closed and we often feel as if we are living in a cocoon and we are okay with that because the cocoon gives us a safe place to be away from the world. 

As a person who has walked beside many grievers for many years, my encouragement to you is this: You may feel very deeply and may even be convinced that you have lost yourself, never to be found again, but you are still there. You are in the process of rebuilding your life. You are being reshaped and remodeled. It is painful, but you will emerge as a stronger, wiser, more compassionate person as you experience the growth that only grief brings.

You most certainly miss the person you were. You most certainly struggle with who you are now. Be patient with yourself. You are continuing on the path of “being” and “becoming” you. Relax and trust the process of growth in your grief and in your identity. Just take a deep breath and be whoever you are today. You are free to grieve and to “be” without worrying about the “becoming”.

Wherever you are on the journey, you are worthy to grieve and to grow. You will find yourself again. You may even discover that you were there all along. My hope is that you will give yourself grace and patience as you experience painful but beautiful growth in your grief.