“We may never know what was inside them that took them away from us . . .
but they did the best they could until they couldn’t any longer . . .
They never wanted to leave us . . . they just didn’t know how to stay.”
I have the honor of meeting monthly with our Child Loss by Suicide group. They graciously share their pain, their stories, their children and their journeys. They truly are beautiful stewards of their suffering as they love and support one other.
These beautiful parents are my teachers. I am the learner. Following are some of the most important things they’ve taught me and that they want you to know about the death of a child by suicide.
Their last act does not define them. The kids are so much more than the final few seconds of their lives. They were beautiful, smart, loving kids with bright futures. They are much more than “suicides”.
They are not selfish. They were generous and caring and were loyal friends. Depression and anxiety stem from mental illness, not from selfishness.
They deserve the same respect and acknowledgement of their deaths as kids who die from other causes. Their illness is just as real as other life ending diseases and causes. Mental illness is often invisible until they end their lives. The stigma of suicide adds another layer to an already excruciating grief.
They were and are deeply loved. They moved between two realities – the reality that they were profoundly loved, wanted and needed, and the deep, pervasive agony of the lies their mental illness repeatedly pounded into them.
Even immense love and support could not “fix” the dark places that haunted them. Mental illness is powerful and ruthless. Although we provide resources and love and support, we often learn that we just aren’t that powerful. If love and support and a kind word could have saved them, they would all be alive today.
Grieving a child who died by suicide is an unrelenting brutality. Processing their death and all that comes with it takes grief work. There is no quick fix. Parents must feel the pain to get through the pain. The only way to get through the grief is to grieve and it’s a brutal journey.
After the recent deaths of celebrities by suicide, one of the parents shared an article with our group. They all agreed that this message is vital if we are to begin to understand the truth about suicide —
“After celebrity mental health losses, there seems to be a sentiment that starts around ‘check in with your friends, tell them you love them.’ This can be a triggering message for many. Love doesn’t heal depression. There is no quick fix, one call or one conversation that does. The truth is depression is joy and laughter as well as debilitating pain. People aren’t ‘pretending’ to be happy, they are oscillating between different realities. Help lines save lives, yes, and asking for help is also sometimes not in someone’s capacity inside their acute depression. I hope we don’t feel the need to rush in and add platitudes to this very complex and heartbreaking reality. Send love and compassion. Send humanity. Bring humility in knowing it’s never that simple . . . “
@missconceptualization