My journey in grief work has been filled with lots of mistakes blended with beautiful lessons our clients have taught me. I think the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is that I can’t fix grief. This was difficult because I am a fixer. This is what I do – or what I thought I did.
After doing this work for over forty years, I’ve come to understand that I can’t “make” anyone happy. I can’t give anyone the peace they seek. I can’t love them enough to take their grief away. And, most importantly, I’ve learned that I’m not responsible for the outcome. I’m just not that powerful. I can only be present . . . and listen.
Years ago, I realized I was spending so much time trying to fix clients’ grief that I spent very little time truly listening to them. Everyone else was giving them advice. Everyone else knew how long they should grieve and when they should be “over it”. Everyone else told them how they should grieve, what was acceptable and what was unacceptable. And most of those who gave our clients advice had never actually grieved the death of someone they loved. They just wanted their story to be heard, but I also had inadvertently joined the ranks of those who spoke too much and listened too little.
When I started truly listening to people share their grief and resisted the temptation to dominate the conversation, they poured their hearts out to me. I quickly learned that I may be the only person who listened to them without interruption and without offering advice. The more I listened, the more they shared. The more they shared, the more healing slowly, but surely took place. And all I did was sit with them and listen.
As you sit beside family and friends who are grieving, don’t pressure yourself to come up with magic words, profound wisdom or incredible insights. There aren’t any. Don’t waste time trying to “explain away” the death or to fix their grief. Don’t expound on your religious and spiritual beliefs.
Just sit quietly and listen. Become comfortable with the silence. Don’t take your eyes off them as they are speaking. Don’t interrupt them. Don’t ask questions. Don’t offer advice. Don’t turn the attention to yourself and tell them about your own grief or anyone else’s grief. Just listen. And listen as long as they share and as many times as they want to share.
Walking alongside someone who is grieving is an honor. It is a privilege to be a grief companion. You have been invited to join them in the most difficult journey of their lives. You have been chosen to walk the journey with them. Stay the course with them and never forget the healing power of listening.