Grief is often gut-wrenching, soul-stripping, mind-erasing, heart-destroying, and miserably misunderstood. Only those who have experienced the death of someone they love can truly speak to the devastating impact grief has on their lives. They are the “Get Its, the GIs,” and they paid a very heavy price to earn this title. Unfortunately, they are often surrounded by the “Don’t Get Its – the DGIs.” And though DGIs mean well and are trying to help, they sometimes shut out and even unknowingly shame those who are grieving.
The loneliness following the death of a loved one is deep and isolating. The griever is the only one who truly understands the depth of the relationship they shared with the person who died. Others may also be grieving, but their relationship with their loved one is different. In the midst of this loneliness, well-meaning family members and friends may seem to shut grievers out of their lives. They don’t want to talk about the loved one because it “might make them sad.” They are afraid to acknowledge the death because they believe they might say something wrong. They may avoid seeing or talking with the griever altogether.
Grievers are often disappointed in the support they receive from the people they fully expected to be there for them. Even though they may have always been the “go-to” person for others, it may never cross the minds of those they’ve supported to be there for them. When a partner dies, couples with whom they spent time may never include the surviving spouse again. When a child dies, friends may avoid being with the grieving parents. Often, when a loved one dies, most people never mention their name again. It’s as if they didn’t just die, they never existed. The deafening silence of never hearing their loved one’s name again is painful.
Others often unintentionally shame the griever. They mean well, but they often make comments and ask questions that are filtered very differently by the griever than intended. “I thought you’d be over it by now.” “You need to be strong and move on.” “You can have another baby.” “You can get married again.” “I miss the ‘old you.’” “I think you’re stuck and need therapy.” “At least you had them for (insert any number) years.” “At least you have other children.” (Never begin a sentence with “at least” when talking with a grieving person.)
When someone we love dies, it changes us. It shapes us. We have the power to respond in an unhealthy or healthy way. Don’t give anyone the power to make you feel uncared for because, in their ignorance, they seem to have shut you out. Don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed for grieving your loved one. Take all the time you need. Follow your heart. You are being shaped in painful, beautiful ways. And remember, it won’t always hurt this bad. Cling to the hope that you will get through this because you will. I promise!