How to Support Grievers During the Holidays

Holidays are often difficult for those who grieve the death of a loved one. Truth be told, most would rather avoid the season altogether and disappear until January 2nd. We can’t take their grief from them, but we can certainly be more sensitive about unintentionally adding to their pain. Here are a few simple suggestions:

Instead of sending a happy holiday card, send a thinking of you card. Simply sign the card or write one supportive sentence. For example, “I’ll never forget David’s big smile” or “You are in our thoughts and prayers during this holiday season.” If you send a typical holiday card, they may wonder how you can possibly think they can be joyful when their loved one has died.

Be aware that sending your family photo in a paper or virtual card can be very painful for them. The presence of your intact family often magnifies the absence of their family member.

When you invite them to a holiday event, don’t pressure them to attend. It simply may be too difficult for them. Understand if they decline. If they leave earlier than expected, understand they may have reached their “being around people” limit and don’t question or pressure them to stay longer.

If they choose to treat the holiday as “just another day,” understand they are doing the best they can just to make it through this time of year. They aren’t in “denial” or “grieving too much,” they are doing what they need to do to take care of themselves.

If they choose to get away for the holidays or start a new tradition, honor their decision. They don’t need the additional stress of well-meaning friends and family acting offended or pressuring them to participate in traditional events. Remember this is about them - not about you.

Trust what they tell you and what they choose to do. Do not pressure them to make a different decision or tell them what you would do if you were in their shoes. Grief is like a thumbprint. It is different for everyone. Allow them the courtesy and right to grieve in their own way. You don’t know what’s best for them, they do.

Do something in memory of their loved one. Buy or make an ornament and give it to them. Or donate to your favorite charity in their memory. Or give them a gift card to their favorite restaurant. You’ll think of something.

Holidays are lonely and painful for those who grieve the death of a loved one. Make a commitment to do something to let them know you remember they are still grieving. Just let them know you remember and care. It’s really that simple!

Getting Through the Holidays

Holidays are difficult when someone we love has died. The empty chair at the table, seeing families who are still complete and remembering holidays past magnify the absence of our loved one. Everyone else seems so joyful and full of the holiday spirit. We sometimes wonder if they even remember that we are grieving.

Grieving during the holidays is typically exhausting and overwhelming. We hope these simple suggestions help you make your way through this very hard time of year.

Acknowledge that you are sad and that this year is different. You are not going to be blissfully happy and filled with holiday cheer. You are grieving the loss of someone very special in your life. Grief doesn’t disappear on holidays. Give yourself permission to experience all of your feelings and to process all of your thoughts. Be aware that you may have grief bursts or grief tsunamis as the holidays magnify your loved one’s absence and you miss them even more. Remember to take good care of yourself. Rest. Spend time alone if you need it. Give yourself permission to cry, to laugh, to smile and to do whatever you need to do to get through the holidays.

Keep your expectations realistic. Keep holiday plans manageable and bite sized. Remember that the anticipation of the day is often more difficult than the actual holiday. Decide what you are going to do on the day. Keep it simple and remember you can change your mind depending on how you feel when the actual day arrives. Remember that it’s perfectly fine to get away for the holidays and to do something entirely different this year. It’s also perfectly fine to do nothing and ignore the holidays.

You don’t have to do it all even if you’ve always done it all. Ask others to take some of the responsibilities you have done in the past. You don’t have to accept invitations to gatherings, even virtual ones. Follow your heart and do only what you think you can manage. It’s helpful to practice responses in anticipation of invitations that you may choose to decline if you aren’t up to attending or if the host/ess pressures you to attend. You don’t have to give an immediate response. Simply say, “Thank you. Let me think about this.” You can also say, “Thank you. I’m not up to it this time, but please ask me again.”

If you do participate in a holiday event, have an exit plan. Before you go, decide how long you are going to stay and leave when you need to leave. You can always change your exit plan if needed.

Remember that just because you do something different this year doesn’t mean you’re going to do it this way the rest of your life. Remember that you have the opportunity to keep some traditions, put some traditions on hold, change some traditions or add new traditions.  

Remember you can honor your loved one by preparing their favorite dish, buying or making an ornament in their honor, lighting a candle, etc. You can share with family and friends that you are honoring your loved one or you can do it privately. It’s okay to buy a gift for your loved one. Remember that your need to get something for them is important. You know in your heart that they don’t need a gift, but you may have a need to buy one for them.

Be proud of yourself for making it through this very difficult time of year. Grief is hard. It’s not a question of “if” you can get through the holidays. You are already doing it.