Shunned, Shamed & Shaped
Laurie Taylor
Grief is gut wrenching, soul stripping, mind erasing, heart destroying and miserably misunderstood. Only those of us who have experienced the death of someone we love can truly speak to the devastating impact grief has on our lives.
We grievers are the “Get Its – the GIs” and we paid a very heavy price to earn this title. Unfortunately, we are often surrounded by the “Don’t Get Its – the DGIs.” And though the DGIs mean well and are trying to help us, they sometimes shut us out and even unknowingly shame us.
Shut Out (Left Out and Lonely)
The loneliness following the death of a loved one is deep and dark. We grievers are the only ones who truly understand the depth of the relationship we shared.
Others may also be grieving, but their relationship with our loved one was different. In the midst of our loneliness, well-meaning family members and friends may seem to shut us out of their lives.
They don’t want to talk about our loved one because it “might make us sad”.
They don’t know what to say to us because they believe they might say something wrong.
They may be accustomed to us being their “go to” supportive person that they count on and it may never cross their minds to be there for us.
Couples we spent time with may omit us from outings. Parents whose children are still alive may avoid us.
The hard part to maneuver is that we want people to express their love and care and to invite us to activities as they always did, but we don’t want them to invite us because we might not be ready to socialize.
Shamed (Unintentionally, but the hurt still stings)
DGIs mean well, but they often make comments and ask questions that can shame us grievers if we buy in to what they say.
“It’s been three months. I thought you’d be over it by now.”
“At least you had them 32 (or whatever number) years.”
“You can have another baby.”
“You can get married again.”
“At least you have other children.”
“I miss the ‘old you’.”
“You need to be strong.”
“The first year is the hardest. Why are you still sad after so long?”
“I don’t know why you aren’t going to church now. It would really help.”
“You are never happy anymore. What’s wrong?”
“Because I love you, I need to tell you that I think you’re stuck and need therapy.”
“Why do you always talk about him/her? You need to move on.”
Shaped (Whether we like it or not)
When someone we love dies, it changes us. It shapes us. As grievers, we have the power to respond to our loss in an unhealthy way or healthy way.
Don’t give anyone the power to make you feel uncared for because, in their ignorance, they seem to have shut you out.
Don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed for grieving your loved one.
Take all the time you need.
Follow your heart.
You are being shaped in painful, beautiful ways.
And remember, it won’t always hurt this bad.
Cling to the hope that you will get through this because you will. I promise!