Your Spouse Died - The Relationship Didn’t

Gary Sturgis, from his book, Surviving Grief

Many people mistakenly think that grief is something that can and should end at some point. Not true!

I know the reality of grief is that it will stay with me until the day I die. But I knew if I continued to do the “grief work” and changed my relationship with grief, I’d eventually find myself healing. I did this by changing how I responded to grief and how I would cope with it. I found hope and healing by doing this. The more I thought about it, I realized that grief is one instance where there’s a strong benefit to accepting its ongoing presence in my life. It creates an ongoing connection with the person I love and lost.

You wake up every morning and you’re still shocked with the realization that they’re no longer beside you. 
Your friends and family hope your grief will go away, but you dread the day it does.
It‘s your grief that reminds you they existed. 

While you’re still shocked by their absence, you can still hold onto their presence. 
They’re still alive to you. 
Their voice still rings in your ears, and you can still see their face so clearly. 
In your heart and mind, you’re still a “we”.

You say, “If you’re out there, send me a sign.” 
You look for birds, butterflies, feathers, pennies, dragon flies, anything to know they still exist. 
You’re a person with a dead spouse. 
They’re not “lost” and they haven’t “passed”, they’re absent but not erased. 
Here’s the thing, your spouse died. But your relationship outlives them. 

You were dependent on them. And when they died, that dependence forced you to be independent. 
You’re learning to carve a way forward in the new world. 
But this independence has always been, and still is, indelibly connected to their love, being there for you to depend on when needed. 

Their love remains a secure base from which you can confidently head back out into the world. 
The shape of your love holds firm, and you continue to be fortified by it, turning to it for comfort and encouragement as you bear your grief and navigate life. 
It’s that love and that relationship that continues, and on which you can rely.