What to Say to Someone Who is Grieving
Carol Ricks Bowman
Most of us are lost for words when desiring to convey love and comfort to a griever. We want to say the “right words.” The truth is that the “right words” don’t really exist when we seek to express our support to someone who is swirling in the storm of grief. There is no easy answer or checklist. There is no script that works universally.
As a person who wants to improve my grief communication, I went on a search for meaningful responses to those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. The following are some real-world examples of what grievers shared were most helpful for them.
SUPPORTING A GRIEVER
According to a survey of grievers by the website “what’s your grief?” the number one suggestion for what to say to someone who is grieving is some variation of the statement “I’m here for you.” Of course, that kind of statement needs to be proactively backed up with authentic and consistent action.
Some “I’m here for you” statements shared:
According to grievers who responded to the “what’s your grief?” survey, here are examples of the words and actions and the accompanying spirit of the “best” encouragements made to a grieving person:
GENERAL GRIEF AND LOSS
“I may not know what to say, but I can listen.”
“There are no words.”
“I will travel to you and stay with you for several days.”
“Your reactions to your grief are normal.”
“You aren’t going crazy. What you are feeling makes total sense.”
“I’m just really sorry you had to go through this.” My friend kept her gaze into my eyes as I sobbed…. it was so powerful just being ‘witnessed.’
“Learn to live in acceptance of the loss, not in spite of the loss.”
“Grief has no expiration date.”
“You don’t have to talk. I will just sit beside you.”
“Your colleagues have donated enough paid time off for you to take the time you need.”
When someone tells you they are there for you, brings you flowers or comfort food, or your best friend comes over after you’ve told her not to (because you didn’t want to be a bother) because she knows you that well – those are the types of things that make a difference.
“I was really mad at God when I found out.”
“I don’t know what to say but I can listen.”
“I am praying for you and always will be.”
“I love you.”
The best statement was from a chaplain who gave me permission to be mad as hell, and instead of asking “Why me?” asking “Why not me?”
“A part of your loved one lives in you and all those he loved.”
“Be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else.”
“You will never get over it but you will get through it.”
“There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Your life has been changed forever.”
“You are allowed to feel and be exactly as you are because that is your experience and no one else’s.”
The best thing is when someone says, “I remember…” and then goes on to share a memory.
“I can’t possible understand how you feel. But I’m here.”
When I told a friend my heart was broken, she said, “I will lend you mine until your heart has healed.”
“It’s okay not to be okay.”
“You are not moving on…you are moving forward.”
“We will get through this together.”
“It’s okay to hurt. Don’t hold back the tears.”
“I have no words…this just sucks.”
“He was so loved and my life is better because he was in it.”
“My heart reaches out to yours.”
PARENT LOSS
“You can talk to me about your dad whenever you want – in 5 or 10 or 30 years.”
“Tell me more about your mother.”
“Your dad was a wonderful man.”
“We will not forget her.”
When my mom passed away, a good friend of mine looked me in the eye and, with such love and concern, said, “I am worried about you. I think you should consider grief therapy.” I reached out for help because of her genuine concern and courage to say that to me at that time.
“I would not be alive today if your dad hadn’t helped me get sober by giving me a reason to be sober.”
“Come rest a minute. Let’s remember those sweet memories. Your dad was a great man and father.”
“You remind me so much of your mother.”
“Your dad loved you to the moon and back.”
SPOUSE / PARTNER LOSS
Someone gave me a very sincere compliment on how I have handled raising my kids as a single mother after my husband died. That meant to the world to me to hear it. It’s a lonely journey. I needed the boost.
“We remember him and speak of him often.”
I received a card from a former college classmate of my husband. In the card, she wrote about how proud my husband had been of me and how happy I had made him. She wrote that every time their paths crossed over the years, he always spoke so highly of me. She was in awe of how proud he was to have me as his wife.
“She would be so proud of you.”
“I can see by these pictures how much you loved each other. She must have known every day she was loved.”
“She is with you always, and is proud of you for the way you live your life.”
I love when someone hears a song that reminds them of him and they reach out to tell me.
FAMILY MEMBER LOSS
“Your sister just made a change of address.”
“We were just talking about him last night.”
“Your brother loved you so much. He was so proud of you.”
“My favorite memory of your aunt was when she…..”
“Your grandmother planted the seeds of your life. She will always be with you.”
CHILD LOSS
“It’s okay to have bad days because it reminds you how much you loved him and the good days remind you he’s right there with you.”
“Talk about your son whenever you like.”
My 81-year-old father drove quite a distance to just sit with me and as he was listening to me completely fall apart, he reached over and quietly said, “Please know this is only temporary. You will get to finish raising him one day.” Then he said, “I will get there before you and I will carry your messages to him.”
“When you feel that she is with you, know that she really is.”
“He is never far away.”
“She was such a special kid.”
“We loved her like she was part of our family.”
“You have been such a good dad.”
“One day you will be talking about Jessica and a smile will come to your face before a tear comes.”
My mom made me socks and a hat for my baby gone-too-soon in pregnancy. “Every baby deserves to be celebrated, no matter how long they are with us.”
From another grieving mom – “Look for signs. He will show you he is with you.”
“You are a good mother and his death will never change that.”
“Thank you for giving us the most beautiful, generous, loving person we’ve ever known.”
BEING A SUPPORTIVE PRESENCE
Griever Aimee Foster shares, “You don’t need to say the right thing. In fact, you don’t need to say anything at all. You just need to ‘be there’.”
In my own grief journeys, the treasured friends and family members who have “been there” for me have made all the difference in my capacity to breathe, to pace my feelings, to live another day, to choose joy, to be kind to myself, to remember, to believe that I can do hard things and to look toward the future with glimmers of hope.
Each grief experience is unique. Responding to a griever should be unique too, sensitively based on the personal needs of the griever, and thoughtfully considering how to “best” respond to the situation.
Learning how to “be there” for people we love is a life-long journey. Let’s get better at our response to grief. Improving our capacity to personally respond to another person’s loss and grief is to communicate a life-giving spirit of supportive presence.