Have you ever felt relieved when someone you love died? Have you felt guilty or selfish because you experienced relief?
Feeling a sense of relief has nothing to do with the depth of love we have for the person who died. Nor does it have anything to do with the depth of our grief. Relief is most typically described as a feeling of relaxation following release from anxiety or distress. There aren’t many things in life as anxiety ridden and stressful as the anticipated or unexpected death of someone we love. And there aren’t many things more calming than the relaxation that comes with relief.
Relief often accompanies grief. For example, if our loved one had a life-ending illness, we may be relieved their suffering has ended. After a suicide death, we may be relieved their long, hard battle with mental illness is over. When a loved one dies from addiction, we may feel a sense of relief that they no longer have to fight this terrible disease.
We may also feel a sense of our own relief. The event we dreaded has now happened. We no longer need to be on high alert. Maybe for the first time in months we have the freedom to make plans. Maybe for the first time in years we don’t have to worry about relapse or wonder if our loved one is safe. We may be relieved that the hours and hours of caregiving have ended.
If offered the choice, most of us would gladly take on all the worry, stress, and caregiving again if we could only have them back. We still love them and would be there for them for as long as they needed us. Whatever relief we may experience is overshadowed by the deep, painful grief we carry in their absence.
It’s important to understand that grief and relief often walk hand in hand. This is natural and normal. It’s up to us to give ourselves the grace and space to experience both.