What is the right way to grieve? What if I grieve the wrong way? These are questions that are asked quite frequently after the death of a loved one. Most people want the quickest, simplest route to “get over” their grief. They want the secret formula, the blueprint, the ordered steps so they can be certain they are grieving correctly. They want to be sure they aren’t grieving the “wrong way”.
Grief is like a fingerprint. Everyone grieves differently. The death of a loved one isn’t simply copy and paste when another loved one dies. So even our own personal grief for the deaths we mourn is different and very individualized. We grieve to the depth of the relationship. The deeper the relationship we have with the person who died, the deeper we grieve.
Some feel they aren’t grieving enough because they think they should be more emotional. They aren’t paralyzed by their mourning as society has wrongly taught them they should be. They are sad, but they continue to function. These instrumental grievers deeply grieve the death of their loved one. However, they process their grief internally through their thoughts as they have every other loss they’ve faced throughout their lives. They, in fact, are grieving the “right way” for them.
Others think they are grieving the wrong way because they cannot gain control of their emotions and stop crying. They have difficulty functioning and are often unable to make decisions or to ground themselves. They may feel disconnected from their bodies and may not be able to focus or organize their thoughts. These intuitive grievers process their grief through their feelings as they have done throughout their lives. They are grieving the “right way” for them.
Grief is a wilderness that takes each person on a different path. There is no defined map that leads out of the wilderness. The journey takes each person through different turns, valleys, storms, and sunrises. However, there are two important guidelines that are imperative in our quest to grieve the “right way”. First, don’t hurt yourself. Secondly, don’t hurt anyone else. Hold tight to these two guidelines and give yourself permission to grieve the way you naturally grieve. Be patient with yourself. Grief is a marathon, not a sprint. Your journey may seem endless, but you will eventually find your way out of the wilderness.