The Cowboy

He had that Texas swagger as he ambled down the hallway quietly tipping his cowboy hat to everyone he passed. He had a kind face and gentle eyes. I had been at my mother’s bedside for three days and nights determined to keep my promise to be with her when she died. I was exhausted as I leaned against the doorframe of her room. He was a welcome change of pace for my tired eyes and breaking heart.

As I turned to take my post once again at my mother’s side, I heard, “Excuse me, mam.  I’m looking for Mrs. Kirkland. Is this the right room?”

Surprised he was here to visit my mother, I responded, “Yes, you’ve got the right room.  I’m her daughter.”

“Ma’am, I hope you don’t mind, but I attend the Cowboy Church and we’ve been praying for your mama and your family. We’re so sorry she isn’t doing well.”

 I struggled for words but managed to thank him for his thoughtfulness. There was something about his quiet voice and his calm spirit that touched my heart. He was a total stranger and had never met my mother, but here he was humbly standing beside me sharing my pain.

We were interrupted by a nurse who needed to confirm the name of the funeral home we had chosen for when the time came. I walked down the hallway to talk with her and left my new friend standing inside the doorway. The conversation took longer than I expected and I was anxious to return to my mother’s room. As I got to her door, I’ll never forget what I saw.

Kneeling beside my mother’s bed with bowed head, gently holding her tired, little hand, cowboy hat placed over his heart, he silently prayed for her. He didn’t utter a sound, but his silhouette in that darkened, quiet room is etched in my memory forever. 

After a time, he lightly kissed her hand and stood to his feet.  He put his big cowboy hat back on his head, gave me a sweet smile, and with tear-filled eyes, left the room.

This humble cowboy taught me that when our hearts are broken, we don’t need words. We simply need the silent presence of a kind soul who will take our pain upon themselves and carry it with us if even for a moment. May we all strive to be that kind, silent presence.

Am I Grieving the Right Way?

What is the right way to grieve? What if I grieve the wrong way? These are questions that are asked quite frequently after the death of a loved one. Most people want the quickest, simplest route to “get over” their grief. They want the secret formula, the blueprint, the ordered steps so they can be certain they are grieving correctly. They want to be sure they aren’t grieving the “wrong way”.

Grief is like a fingerprint. Everyone grieves differently. The death of a loved one isn’t simply copy and paste when another loved one dies. So even our own personal grief for the deaths we mourn is different and very individualized. We grieve to the depth of the relationship. The deeper the relationship we have with the person who died, the deeper we grieve.

Some feel they aren’t grieving enough because they think they should be more emotional. They aren’t paralyzed by their mourning as society has wrongly taught them they should be. They are sad, but they continue to function. These instrumental grievers deeply grieve the death of their loved one. However, they process their grief internally through their thoughts as they have every other loss they’ve faced throughout their lives. They, in fact, are grieving the “right way” for them.

Others think they are grieving the wrong way because they cannot gain control of their emotions and stop crying. They have difficulty functioning and are often unable to make decisions or to ground themselves. They may feel disconnected from their bodies and may not be able to focus or organize their thoughts. These intuitive grievers process their grief through their feelings as they have done throughout their lives. They are grieving the “right way” for them.

Grief is a wilderness that takes each person on a different path. There is no defined map that leads out of the wilderness. The journey takes each person through different turns, valleys, storms, and sunrises. However, there are two important guidelines that are imperative in our quest to grieve the “right way”. First, don’t hurt yourself. Secondly, don’t hurt anyone else. Hold tight to these two guidelines and give yourself permission to grieve the way you naturally grieve. Be patient with yourself. Grief is a marathon, not a sprint. Your journey may seem endless, but you will eventually find your way out of the wilderness.

The Armor We Wear

Since the death of your loved one do you feel like you are two different people living in the same body? Do you smile and act “normal” on the outside, but struggle with the emptiness and void of grief on the inside? Do you need to brace yourself before going out in public so you can summon the strength to put on a happy face and interact with people as if nothing in your life has changed?

Recently, a bereaved mom shared, “I put on my invisible heavy armor every time I leave my home. It protects me from showing the depth of my grief and is a barrier from well-intended, but hurtful comments. It’s my invisible wall of protection. My inside feelings can’t permeate the armor so I’m able to portray the “normal” me, the me I used to be. My armor is the strong person I want others to see. When I return home, I drop my armor and become the real me again.” 

Wearing the armor becomes exhausting because it becomes heavier and heavier the longer we wear it. It gradually becomes suffocating and uncomfortable. Grief is already an innately exhausting load to carry making the additional weight of the armor almost unbearable.

When we return to the safety of our home, we escape our pretend world of acting “normal.” Our armor immediately falls to the ground and we can breathe again. We can be our true selves again. We can mourn. We can relax and let all the stress and anxiety of acting “normal” fall away. We can return to our reality and freely mourn our loved ones. We are in the safety of our home and can be our authentic selves. It’s liberating.

If you are grieving a loved one, we hear you. We see you. We know the load of grief you carry is hard to bear. We know the armor you put on each day is incredibly heavy. The day will come when you won’t need it anymore. The intensity of your grief will lower eventually and you’ll find the strength to walk back into the world without it. Until then, our hearts are with you. We are here for you.

Hugging the Cactus

Embracing grief is like hugging a cactus. It’s big, filled with sharp barbs and excruciatingly painful. Some choose to walk around the cactus. Others turn and run the other way. Some stand in place, close their eyes and pretend it’s not there. No matter how hard we try to ignore it and how intimidating it is, hugging the cactus is the only healthy way to make our way through the wilderness of grief.

Hugging the cactus is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage to walk up to it, wrap our arms around it, and hug it with all our might. It takes unbelievable strength to continue to embrace it even when the pain demands that we let go. It takes immeasurable discipline to fight the temptation to release it and run as far from it as we can when our hearts grow weary.

Somewhere along the way when we least expect it, the cactus morphs into a teddy bear. The intensity of our grief lowers and the pain becomes more manageable. We finally can breathe a little easier and find relief in hugging something much softer and more comforting. Sometimes we’ll find a thorn in the teddy bear. They are painful, but much less debilitating than the sharp barbs of the cactus.

You will make your way through the wilderness of grief, but the journey begins by hugging the cactus.

The Grief of COVID-19

The difference between expectation and reality is loss.
We grieve that loss relative to its significance to us.

WHY HAS THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC CREATED SO MUCH GRIEF? AND HOW IS THIS EXPERIENCE SIMILAR TO PHYSICALLY LOSING SOMEONE?

The COVID-19 pandemic has brought great losses. Grief always follows loss.  Canceled graduations, weddings, birthday parties and other milestone events are tangible examples of loss.  Even if these cancelled events can be held virtually or through other creative means, it’s not what was expected.  

The tremendous heartache of not being with a loved one who is hospitalized because of a life-threatening illness is such a devastating loss.  Not being with a loved one when they die can be debilitating. 

The difference between expectation and reality is loss. We grieve that loss relative to its significance to us.

The new normal forced upon us after losing someone we love isn’t “normal” at all. It completely changes the rhythm of our lives.  It takes a long time to grow into that rhythm and to identify all the dissonance we are forced to face.  

Grief is a wilderness journey.  There is no map or formula for grieving.  We are thrust into the unknown and find our way by slowly, carefully moving forward.  The pandemic is no different.  We know life is no longer “normal”, but we don’t have enough information or understanding of its impact to move forward without anxiety and fear and grief.

When we physically lose a loved one, we have no control over their death just as we have no control over the pandemic and its ensuing ramifications.  The COVID-19 pandemic has brought great uncertainty, similar to the uncertainty we experience when we grieve the loss of a loved one. 

Fear of the unknown is an underlying part of grief.  The inability to predict the course of COVID-19 and the lack of a vaccine to prevent it adds to the fear and uncertainty.  The pandemic has brought a personal “new normal” that translates into a societal new normal.  Nothing is the same.  We are all experiencing a new and scary paradigm.  

Part 1 in a 4 Part Series

Different Responses to the COVID-19 Experience

HOW DO PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT AGES RESPOND TO THE LOSSES OF THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC?

People of all ages have been impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic. We need to educate ourselves about how different people of different ages respond to this shared grief experience, and be sensitive to those who don’t necessarily respond the way we do.

CHILDREN

Preschoolers and children who attend preschool, daycare or school are affected with a complete change in their normal routine.  They miss their teachers and friends and miss the normalcy of a routine.  They have less structure in their lives so boredom sets in.  

In many cases, their parents are now responsible for their education in terms of securing and completing assignments.  Most parents don't have training in education and don't know how to adapt curriculum to their child's particular learning style.  Teachers are forced to manufacture "one size fits all" assignments and aren't able to easily adapt work to the child's needs.  Children may become frustrated and feel a sense of failure as they struggle with assignments or have difficulty maintaining the attention needed to complete them.  

Many working parents now work from home and cannot give their children their full attention.  Children don't understand the shift in their new schedule.  Before the pandemic when they didn't attend school, it was summer or a holiday. It's difficult for them to change from "out of school" play mode to "out of school" but really in school mode.

TEENAGERS

Teens miss the interaction with their friends and the socialization to which they are accustomed.  They may or may not have the self-discipline to complete school assignments.  Their learning style may require interaction, auditory input and more guided teaching.  They lose all of these with the current school situation.  

Teens miss the freedom of being out in the community, of meeting their friends, of having sleepovers and of dating.  Boyfriends and girlfriends aren't able to physically be together if parents are strictly following quarantine guidelines.  

Stress and boredom impact family life and cause tension and difficulty.

YOUNG ADULTS

Young adults miss their work family and the freedom to socialize and attend events.  Teens actively use social media to cope with the isolation, but they really miss gathering with friends.

College students have to return home and live with their families again. This transition isn't easy with possible restricted freedom.  Parents have to be the "bad guys" and prohibit their college students from breaking quarantine.  There is tension between the young adults' newfound freedom to live independently and their return to the home of their parents where they may lose some of their freedom. 

The way young adults thought this time in their lives would be and the reality they face are completely different.  

MEDIAN ADULTS

Median adults often have children and also hold go-to-work jobs.  There is tension between work and family, especially when school isn't in session and they suddenly are responsible for much of their children's education.  They struggle with daycares being closed and even losing the support of grandparents who would normally help with the children but who must now isolate.  They worry about the health of their parents who may be in the at risk age group.  

Juggling all the demands can be debilitating, with little time to process their own personal losses.

OLDER ADULTS

Many older adults are still working and have had to learn to use technology to work from home to continue their work.  They become frustrated with the new normal and feel they can't do their jobs as effectively because they may not be proficient in the technology that is now so important.  

They miss their grandchildren and want to have contact with them but know they need to follow CDC guidelines.  They are frustrated because they want to support their children by helping with grandchildren but are prohibited from doing so.

They may have the financial means and freedom to travel, but travel is almost nonexistent due to the pandemic.  

They worry about their parents and other loved ones who may be in the at-risk group due to age or other underlying conditions.  

SENIOR ADULTS

Senior adults understand they are in the high-risk group and try their best to follow CDC guidelines, often going above and beyond what precautions are required.  They understand that the pandemic is a real threat to their health.  They understand that their life will not be the same after the pandemic.  They understand that there isn't sufficient data to discern the patterns of COVID-19 and its implications in society.  They understand that the world will not be the same.  

Seniors alter their plans for travel, because they've lived through enough national and world tragedies and crises to know that altering plans is a small price to pay for safety and security.  They are frustrated and concerned, but understand that "it is what it is" and they have to adapt to their new normal.  

Speaking as a member of this age group, we elders tend to have our priorities in life in order and understand that the pandemic cannot rob us of who we really are.  We are survivors.  We are fighters.  We are willing to sacrifice. We do what we need to do to get through the pandemic.  We've lived through hard times and we can make it through this difficult time if we do our part to follow the guidelines and protocols that professionals have set before us. 

Part 2 in a 4 Part Series

Dealing with COVID-19 Grief

HOW CAN WE EFFECTIVELY DEAL WITH THIS NEW COVID-19 KIND OF GRIEF?

• Acknowledge the losses you are facing from the fear and forced isolation. Intentionally attempt to embrace the grief that comes with those losses.

• Process the losses. Some people process their grief internally through their thoughts. Others process their grief externally through their expressed feelings. Healthy grief always includes healthy processing.

• If you need to process your grief by talking about it, find a counselor or support group that provides that opportunity.

• Don’t “overdose” on the news about the pandemic. Intentionally limit your exposure to the trauma of news stories, deaths, personal accounts of loss, etc. Choose one or two sources of information you can trust and stay abreast of the situation by getting a daily update instead of receiving 24/7 news releases and information.

• Stay in touch with your community of family and friends. Isolation can be crippling and lead to a place of deep depression. Force yourself to talk with at least one person each day by phone, Zoom, FaceTime, Skype, etc. It’s imperative to have community in the midst of the isolation.

• Take all precautions to stay healthy and safe, including frequent hand washing, physical distancing from others and mask wearing.

I firmly believe that a burden comes with every blessing and a blessing comes with every burden. I think it’s the same for the pandemic if we translate what we are learning into lasting changes.

I hope the novelty and trauma of the pandemic doesn’t fade away so quickly for those not deeply affected by it that our society tries to return to the way we were before.

The COVID-19 pandemic has taught us many things:

Value relationships and nurturing those relationships is priority.
We can live with much less and be happy.
What we thought was important, really isn’t.
Things we took for granted are now priceless.
We just aren’t that powerful.
We really can’t control much in our lives except how we respond to times like these.

Post 3 of a 4 Part Series

Losing Someone during COVID-19

HOW DO WE BETTER UNDERSTAND THE PARTICULAR GRIEF OF LOSING SOMEONE DURING THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC?

Losing someone during the COVID-19 pandemic is an experience of grief on grief.

The COVID-19 requirement of social distancing makes losing a loved one even more difficult.

• The loss of not being allowed to be with them to say “goodbye” is so hard.

• For some, not being able to hold their hand or to spend time with them after they die is hard.

• Not being able to be with other loved ones who are also grieving is hard.

• Not being able to have a visitation and limiting the number of people who can attend the memorial service is hard.

• Postponing the memorial service is hard.

• Not being able to get physical support from others is hard.

• It’s all incredibly hard.

The people I know who have lost loved ones during the COVID-19 pandemic are experiencing things that can seem unbearable. Not only the loss of the person they love, they experience a myriad of secondary losses, including the ones mentioned. Grieving gets postponed. Patience and compassion helps along the way.

The number of people I know who have lost a loved one during COVID-19 is growing and will unfortunately continue to grow for the foreseeable future.

Post 4 of a 4 Part Series