Not Our Job to Fix It

We often spend a great deal of time trying to fix our grief. It’s raw and deep and isolating and difficult. We grow sick and tired of feeling sick and tired so we desperately try to fix grief as quickly as we can. We don’t understand that grief befriends us when need it most. It is not our enemy. It is the guide that leads us from the wilderness of sorrow to the path of hope and renewal.

Grief can’t be fixed because grief isn’t broken. It doesn’t need to be repaired. Grief is terribly misunderstood as an enemy to be fought — a burden to be overcome — an illness to be cured. Quite the contrary, grief is a gift given in the most difficult moments of our lives to help us endure devastating loss. Grief patiently and lovingly guides us to a place of growth and renewal. 

We often try everything we can to fix our grief. Words can help, but words can’t fix grief. Exercise can help, but exercise can’t fix grief. Praying can help, but praying can’t fix grief. Support groups can help, but support groups can’t fix grief. Counseling can help, but counseling can’t fix grief. Journaling can help, but journaling can’t fix grief. Nature can help, but nature can’t fix grief.  

Sometimes we try unhealthy ways to fix our grief. Drinking may seem to help in the moment, but the relief is short lived and could lead to alcoholism. Overeating may seem to help in the moment, but the satisfaction is temporary and could lead to obesity related diseases. Shopping may provide a short-term adrenalin rush, but could lead to overspending and debt. Moving from one romantic relationship to another may provide fleeting intimacy, but could also lead to promiscuity and deeper loneliness. Unhealthy “fixes” for grief are dangerous and never ever work.

It’s simply not our job to fix grief. Our responsibility is to embrace grief and to grieve well. Somewhere along the way we finally realize that we don’t fix grief. Grief fixes us.

Hope Keeper

“How in the world do you do what you do?” 

This is the most frequent question I’m asked. I guess it’s hard for most to understand that I love walking alongside children, teens and adults who are grieving the death of a loved one. I am passionate that no one should have to grieve alone. I’m honored to be invited to walk with them on the most difficult journey they’ve ever undertaken. 

Hopelessness almost always accompanies grief. Finding any semblance of happiness again seems impossible as the feeling of being held captive in the dark pit of despair seems inescapable. Disbelief that life can be reconstructed with any measure of joy or renewed meaning and purpose restrains us from imagining a future without our loved one. The sense of “being stuck” in our grief and feeling powerless to move forward is overwhelming. 

I have the honor and privilege of being a Hope Keeper. When our clients can’t find their hope and the darkness and void of the death of a loved one overcomes them, I get to hold their hope for them until they are able to find it again. And they will. I just quietly walk alongside them on the journey bearing witness to their pain and heartbreak as they make their way through the hopelessness of grief. Somewhere along the path, they silently and most often unknowingly begin to embrace their hope again. It’s a beautiful experience.

I know I’m engulfed in death, dying and bereavement. This is what I do with deep passion and conviction. I can do it because although a griever’s pain and hopelessness are palpable, so is their hope. And I know one day they will reach for their hope once again, and I will be there to gently help to place it back in their hands and heart.

 You may feel hopeless as you grieve your loved one. Please trust me when I assure you that in a not-so-distant season of your grief, you will begin to find your hope again. 

The Healing Power of Listening

My journey in grief work has been filled with lots of mistakes blended with beautiful lessons our clients have taught me. I think the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is that I can’t fix grief. This was difficult because I am a fixer. This is what I do – or what I thought I did. 

After doing this work for over forty years, I’ve come to understand that I can’t “make” anyone happy. I can’t give anyone the peace they seek. I can’t love them enough to take their grief away. And, most importantly, I’ve learned that I’m not responsible for the outcome. I’m just not that powerful. I can only be present . . . and listen.

Years ago, I realized I was spending so much time trying to fix clients’ grief that I spent very little time truly listening to them. Everyone else was giving them advice. Everyone else knew how long they should grieve and when they should be “over it”. Everyone else told them how they should grieve, what was acceptable and what was unacceptable. And most of those who gave our clients advice had never actually grieved the death of someone they loved. They just wanted their story to be heard, but I also had inadvertently joined the ranks of those who spoke too much and listened too little. 

When I started truly listening to people share their grief and resisted the temptation to dominate the conversation, they poured their hearts out to me. I quickly learned that I may be the only person who listened to them without interruption and without offering advice. The more I listened, the more they shared. The more they shared, the more healing slowly, but surely took place. And all I did was sit with them and listen. 

As you sit beside family and friends who are grieving, don’t pressure yourself to come up with magic words, profound wisdom or incredible insights. There aren’t any. Don’t waste time trying to “explain away” the death or to fix their grief. Don’t expound on your religious and spiritual beliefs. 

Just sit quietly and listen. Become comfortable with the silence. Don’t take your eyes off them as they are speaking. Don’t interrupt them. Don’t ask questions. Don’t offer advice. Don’t turn the attention to yourself and tell them about your own grief or anyone else’s grief. Just listen. And listen as long as they share and as many times as they want to share. 

Walking alongside someone who is grieving is an honor. It is a privilege to be a grief companion. You have been invited to join them in the most difficult journey of their lives. You have been chosen to walk the journey with them. Stay the course with them and never forget the healing power of listening.

Grief: The Home of the Brave

Often when we experience the death of someone we love, well-meaning friends and family members tell us to be strong. This powerful word clearly sends the message that we should quickly buck up and move on. We should ignore the pain, stop the crying and get on with our lives. After all, our loved one is in a better place and wouldn’t want us to be unhappy.

Ignore this advice. Although they mean well, they are inadvertently sending you down the road of unhealthy grief and unattended sorrow. Please don’t buck up and move on. Please don’t attempt to shove the pain away. Please fully embrace your grief and muster the courage to experience all the feelings, think all the thoughts and feel all the pain that naturally comes with the death of someone you love.

Those who haven’t experienced grief don’t understand we are not mourning where our loved one is.  We are grieving where they are not. And this isn’t selfishness. It’s pure love. And although meant to be comforting, how do they know that our deceased loved one would be disappointed if they knew we were unhappy? Of course, we are unhappy. They died and we miss them terribly. What an unrealistic expectation to not be unhappy!

You have experienced the death of someone you love with all your heart. It’s unbelievably sad. It’s incredibly hard, but you can do hard things. You can grieve your precious loved one with all your heart and soul. I promise it won’t always hurt this badly. You can do this hard thing because you are strong. 

Embrace your sorrow and fully experience it, because grief truly is the home of the brave.

Father's Day through the Eyes of Grief

My mom’s dad walked out on his family when she was two weeks old. So she never knew the love of a dad until she married my father and gained an amazing father-in-law who fully embraced her as his own.  For the first time in her life, she had the father she had always wanted.  The bond between the two of them was beautiful and only grew more precious over the years.

After five miscarriages, my parents had me.  My mom got to experience firsthand the love a dad has for his child.  She began to understand what she had missed in her own life as she watched my dad hold me, play with me, change my diapers, feed me and protect me.  The presence of my loving father magnified the absence of hers.  No wonder Father’s Day became such an important day in our family.

I would spend days planning what I was going to do for my dad on Father’s Day.  Homemade cards, making his coffee, “cooking” toast for his breakfast to be served with scorched scrambled eggs topped off with a gift from the Dollar Store.  

As the years passed, Father’s Day grew more precious.  I had a much better understanding that not everyone had a father like mine.  What I had always taken for granted became a priceless treasure.

Because of the close relationship I had with my dad, my heart goes out to our clients who have experienced the death of their fathers and to dads who have experienced the death of a child.  My dad died in 2006, but Alzheimer’s stole him from us long before.  I understand what it’s like to lose a precious father.  I don’t understand what it’s like to lose a child. However, I’ve been witness to the intense, profound pain that bereaved dads endure after such a devastating loss.

I looked forward to Father’s Day every year until my dad died.  Although he’s been gone thirteen years, I still dread the holiday.  The pictures of complete family units, the Father’s Day cards, the commercials, social media posts about plans for the day, etc., magnify the gaping hole my dad left in my heart.  And please don’t tell me he is with me in spirit.  That’s not what I’m grieving.  I’m grieving that he’s not physically with me.  And this isn’t selfishness.  It’s pure, unconditional love for one of the best fathers who ever walked this earth.

Father’s Day is excruciatingly painful for dads who have experienced the death of a child.  Even if he has other children, they cannot fill the void left by the child who died.  Dads who have lost their only child sometimes question if they are still a father.  The silence of the day is deafening.  No hug. No card. No phone call. No text. Nothing. If you are one of these dads, please know that you are most definitely still a dad and will always be a dad.  

We often think about grief in terms of death, but grief comes in many forms.  Perhaps you never had a dad in your life.  Or the dad you had was abusive.  Maybe your dad struggled with addiction.  Maybe you always harbored in your heart the dad you wished he would become, but he never did.  Maybe your dad suffered from mental illness. Maybe he had Alzheimer’s and you lost him long before he died.

We can also grieve the loss of our children through estrangement, addiction, mental illness, traumatic brain injury, autism, special needs, chronic, life-threatening or life-ending illness, etc.  We often don’t even recognize that we are grieving these losses because we associate grief only with death.  Your grief is real and you have the right to grieve every loss.

Our hearts are with you as you make your way through another Father’s Day.  We offer you the gift of hope.  It won’t always be this difficult.  It won’t always hurt this badly.  You will get through these difficult holidays.  Hold on to hope.  If you feel that you don’t have any hope to hold onto, we’ll be your hope   keeper for as long as you need us to be.  Friend, you are loved.  You can do hard things . . . like Father’s Day.

The Grief of COVID-19

The difference between expectation and reality is loss.
We grieve that loss relative to its significance to us.

WHY HAS THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC CREATED SO MUCH GRIEF? AND HOW IS THIS EXPERIENCE SIMILAR TO PHYSICALLY LOSING SOMEONE?

The COVID-19 pandemic has brought great losses. Grief always follows loss.  Canceled graduations, weddings, birthday parties and other milestone events are tangible examples of loss.  Even if these cancelled events can be held virtually or through other creative means, it’s not what was expected.  

The tremendous heartache of not being with a loved one who is hospitalized because of a life-threatening illness is such a devastating loss.  Not being with a loved one when they die can be debilitating. 

The difference between expectation and reality is loss. We grieve that loss relative to its significance to us.

The new normal forced upon us after losing someone we love isn’t “normal” at all. It completely changes the rhythm of our lives.  It takes a long time to grow into that rhythm and to identify all the dissonance we are forced to face.  

Grief is a wilderness journey.  There is no map or formula for grieving.  We are thrust into the unknown and find our way by slowly, carefully moving forward.  The pandemic is no different.  We know life is no longer “normal”, but we don’t have enough information or understanding of its impact to move forward without anxiety and fear and grief.

When we physically lose a loved one, we have no control over their death just as we have no control over the pandemic and its ensuing ramifications.  The COVID-19 pandemic has brought great uncertainty, similar to the uncertainty we experience when we grieve the loss of a loved one. 

Fear of the unknown is an underlying part of grief.  The inability to predict the course of COVID-19 and the lack of a vaccine to prevent it adds to the fear and uncertainty.  The pandemic has brought a personal “new normal” that translates into a societal new normal.  Nothing is the same.  We are all experiencing a new and scary paradigm.  

Part 1 in a 4 Part Series

Different Responses to the COVID-19 Experience

HOW DO PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT AGES RESPOND TO THE LOSSES OF THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC?

People of all ages have been impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic. We need to educate ourselves about how different people of different ages respond to this shared grief experience, and be sensitive to those who don’t necessarily respond the way we do.

CHILDREN

Preschoolers and children who attend preschool, daycare or school are affected with a complete change in their normal routine.  They miss their teachers and friends and miss the normalcy of a routine.  They have less structure in their lives so boredom sets in.  

In many cases, their parents are now responsible for their education in terms of securing and completing assignments.  Most parents don't have training in education and don't know how to adapt curriculum to their child's particular learning style.  Teachers are forced to manufacture "one size fits all" assignments and aren't able to easily adapt work to the child's needs.  Children may become frustrated and feel a sense of failure as they struggle with assignments or have difficulty maintaining the attention needed to complete them.  

Many working parents now work from home and cannot give their children their full attention.  Children don't understand the shift in their new schedule.  Before the pandemic when they didn't attend school, it was summer or a holiday. It's difficult for them to change from "out of school" play mode to "out of school" but really in school mode.

TEENAGERS

Teens miss the interaction with their friends and the socialization to which they are accustomed.  They may or may not have the self-discipline to complete school assignments.  Their learning style may require interaction, auditory input and more guided teaching.  They lose all of these with the current school situation.  

Teens miss the freedom of being out in the community, of meeting their friends, of having sleepovers and of dating.  Boyfriends and girlfriends aren't able to physically be together if parents are strictly following quarantine guidelines.  

Stress and boredom impact family life and cause tension and difficulty.

YOUNG ADULTS

Young adults miss their work family and the freedom to socialize and attend events.  Teens actively use social media to cope with the isolation, but they really miss gathering with friends.

College students have to return home and live with their families again. This transition isn't easy with possible restricted freedom.  Parents have to be the "bad guys" and prohibit their college students from breaking quarantine.  There is tension between the young adults' newfound freedom to live independently and their return to the home of their parents where they may lose some of their freedom. 

The way young adults thought this time in their lives would be and the reality they face are completely different.  

MEDIAN ADULTS

Median adults often have children and also hold go-to-work jobs.  There is tension between work and family, especially when school isn't in session and they suddenly are responsible for much of their children's education.  They struggle with daycares being closed and even losing the support of grandparents who would normally help with the children but who must now isolate.  They worry about the health of their parents who may be in the at risk age group.  

Juggling all the demands can be debilitating, with little time to process their own personal losses.

OLDER ADULTS

Many older adults are still working and have had to learn to use technology to work from home to continue their work.  They become frustrated with the new normal and feel they can't do their jobs as effectively because they may not be proficient in the technology that is now so important.  

They miss their grandchildren and want to have contact with them but know they need to follow CDC guidelines.  They are frustrated because they want to support their children by helping with grandchildren but are prohibited from doing so.

They may have the financial means and freedom to travel, but travel is almost nonexistent due to the pandemic.  

They worry about their parents and other loved ones who may be in the at-risk group due to age or other underlying conditions.  

SENIOR ADULTS

Senior adults understand they are in the high-risk group and try their best to follow CDC guidelines, often going above and beyond what precautions are required.  They understand that the pandemic is a real threat to their health.  They understand that their life will not be the same after the pandemic.  They understand that there isn't sufficient data to discern the patterns of COVID-19 and its implications in society.  They understand that the world will not be the same.  

Seniors alter their plans for travel, because they've lived through enough national and world tragedies and crises to know that altering plans is a small price to pay for safety and security.  They are frustrated and concerned, but understand that "it is what it is" and they have to adapt to their new normal.  

Speaking as a member of this age group, we elders tend to have our priorities in life in order and understand that the pandemic cannot rob us of who we really are.  We are survivors.  We are fighters.  We are willing to sacrifice. We do what we need to do to get through the pandemic.  We've lived through hard times and we can make it through this difficult time if we do our part to follow the guidelines and protocols that professionals have set before us. 

Part 2 in a 4 Part Series

Dealing with COVID-19 Grief

HOW CAN WE EFFECTIVELY DEAL WITH THIS NEW COVID-19 KIND OF GRIEF?

• Acknowledge the losses you are facing from the fear and forced isolation. Intentionally attempt to embrace the grief that comes with those losses.

• Process the losses. Some people process their grief internally through their thoughts. Others process their grief externally through their expressed feelings. Healthy grief always includes healthy processing.

• If you need to process your grief by talking about it, find a counselor or support group that provides that opportunity.

• Don’t “overdose” on the news about the pandemic. Intentionally limit your exposure to the trauma of news stories, deaths, personal accounts of loss, etc. Choose one or two sources of information you can trust and stay abreast of the situation by getting a daily update instead of receiving 24/7 news releases and information.

• Stay in touch with your community of family and friends. Isolation can be crippling and lead to a place of deep depression. Force yourself to talk with at least one person each day by phone, Zoom, FaceTime, Skype, etc. It’s imperative to have community in the midst of the isolation.

• Take all precautions to stay healthy and safe, including frequent hand washing, physical distancing from others and mask wearing.

I firmly believe that a burden comes with every blessing and a blessing comes with every burden. I think it’s the same for the pandemic if we translate what we are learning into lasting changes.

I hope the novelty and trauma of the pandemic doesn’t fade away so quickly for those not deeply affected by it that our society tries to return to the way we were before.

The COVID-19 pandemic has taught us many things:

Value relationships and nurturing those relationships is priority.
We can live with much less and be happy.
What we thought was important, really isn’t.
Things we took for granted are now priceless.
We just aren’t that powerful.
We really can’t control much in our lives except how we respond to times like these.

Post 3 of a 4 Part Series

Losing Someone during COVID-19

HOW DO WE BETTER UNDERSTAND THE PARTICULAR GRIEF OF LOSING SOMEONE DURING THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC?

Losing someone during the COVID-19 pandemic is an experience of grief on grief.

The COVID-19 requirement of social distancing makes losing a loved one even more difficult.

• The loss of not being allowed to be with them to say “goodbye” is so hard.

• For some, not being able to hold their hand or to spend time with them after they die is hard.

• Not being able to be with other loved ones who are also grieving is hard.

• Not being able to have a visitation and limiting the number of people who can attend the memorial service is hard.

• Postponing the memorial service is hard.

• Not being able to get physical support from others is hard.

• It’s all incredibly hard.

The people I know who have lost loved ones during the COVID-19 pandemic are experiencing things that can seem unbearable. Not only the loss of the person they love, they experience a myriad of secondary losses, including the ones mentioned. Grieving gets postponed. Patience and compassion helps along the way.

The number of people I know who have lost a loved one during COVID-19 is growing and will unfortunately continue to grow for the foreseeable future.

Post 4 of a 4 Part Series

You Still Matter to Me

The time we had together will never be enough
My grief is a measure of the depth of my love for you.
Profound.  Fathomless.  Bottomless.  

Without you, I no longer know who I am.
The meaning and purpose of my existence left with you.
Lost.  Wandering.  Anchorless.

Intense grief will guide me to a renewal of my spirit.
I will begin to learn to embrace life without you.
Confusing.  Guilt.  Grief.

The intensity of my grief will lower and I will mourn the loss.
Just know that you always have and always will matter to me.
Love.  Reconciliation.  Hope.

The Grief of Moving Forward: The Fear of Forgetting

At the beginning of our grief journey, the intensity of the pain is so great that we often think we will never experience any level of joy again.  We are consumed by sadness and the lethargy that comes with so great a loss.  

At some point in our journey, we find brief, fleeting moments of joy.  Our overwhelming sadness and emptiness find relief for a brief second.  Then we gradually move from seconds to minutes to hours of grief relief and may even begin to find some pleasure in life again.  The grief bursts and grief tsunamis still come, but the intervals between them lengthen.

Later in the journey, we experience full days of grief relief and begin to recognize that the deepest, most intense feelings and thoughts of grief are softening.  Typically, this is when fear slips in and we begin the process of grieving the lowering of the intensity of our grief.

Why do we grieve the lowering of the intensity of our grief?

1. We equate grieving less intensely with loving less intensely. 
Grief is love.  When someone we cherish dies, love becomes so very painful that we call it grief.  Somewhere along our journey, the intensity of our grief lowers and our grief begins to look and feel more like love again.  The intensity of our grief was so great that we are anxious when it returns to the normal intensity of love that cemented our relationship in the first place.

2. We often think/feel that the intensity of our grief is our continuing connection to our loved one and if the intensity lowers, this connection will grow weaker and may disappear altogether.
Our connection to our loved one is love.  The lowering of the intensity of our grief has no connection to the depth of our love.  Remember that the painful love we call grief returns to the less intense, but deeply meaningful and unending love for them.  We have, do and always will love them with all of our heart.

3. We think/feel that the life of our loved one will cease to matter.
When someone we love dies, we quickly realize that others move on while we are just beginning our grief journey.  Our hardest days are just beginning, but our support system seems to suddenly disappear.  With this realization comes the fear that our loved one has ceased to matter.  We may feel that the deep intensity of our pain is palpable proof that their life did and always will matter.  We unintentionally assume the responsibility of making certain they are not forgotten and often equate the intensity of our grief with the level of our belief that their life mattered.

When the intensity of our grief lowers, what we can do to intentionally honor and nourish our continuing connection with them?

1.  Keep pictures of them on display.

2.  Continue to recall and tell and retell stories about them.

3.  Start new traditions.

1. Buy a candle and quietly light it at each family gathering.
2. Buy or make an ornament/seasonal wreath in their memory each year.
3. Make their favorite food on their birthday, death anniversary, etc.
4. Do an intentional act of kindness in their honor on special days.

What the Grieving Wish You Knew About the Holidays

Holidays are often difficult for those who grieve the death of a loved one. Truth be told, most would rather avoid the season altogether and disappear until January 2nd. We can’t take their grief from them, but we can certainly be more sensitive about unintentionally adding to their pain. Here are a few simple suggestions offered by those who are missing a loved one especially during the holidays.

Instead of sending a happy holiday card, send a thinking of you card. Simply sign the card or write one supportive sentence. For example, “I’ll never forget David’s big smile” or “You are in our thoughts and prayers during this holiday season.” If you send a typical holiday card, they may wonder how you can possibly think they can be joyful when their loved one has died.

Be aware that sending your family photo in a card can be very painful for them. The presence of your intact family often magnifies the absence of their family member.

When you invite them to a holiday event, don’t pressure them to attend. It simply may be too difficult for them. Understand if they decline. If they leave earlier than expected, understand they have reached their “being around people” limit and don’t question or pressure them to stay longer.

If they choose to treat the holiday as “just another day,” understand they are doing the best they can just to make it through this time of year. They aren’t in “denial” or “grieving too much,” they are doing what they need to do to take care of themselves.  

If they choose to get away for the holidays or start a new tradition, honor their decision. They don’t need the additional stress of well-meaning friends and family acting offended or pressuring them to participate in traditional events. Remember this is about them - not about you.

Trust what they tell you and what they choose to do. Do not pressure them to make a different decision or tell them what you would do if you were in their shoes. Grief is like a thumbprint.  It is different for everyone.  Allow them the courtesy and right to grieve in their own way.  You don’t know what’s best for them, they do.

Do something in memory of their loved one. Buy or make an ornament and give it to them. Make their loved one’s favorite dish or dessert. Or donate to your favorite charity in their memory. Or give them a gift card to their favorite restaurant. You’ll think of something.

Don’t tell them what you would do if you were in their shoes. You aren’t. Everyone grieves differently. Even the most well intended advice can be hurtful and may even come across as condescending.

Text or email them to let them know you are thinking about them. Simply say “Thinking about you” or “Praying for you” or “Remembering you during the holidays” will be received with gratitude.

Don’t be afraid to say the name of their loved one. You won’t make them sad. They are already sad. What hurts them most is never hearing the name of their loved one again as if they never existed.  

Realize that you don’t even have to use words. A gentle hug or a touch on the shoulder says more than you realize.

Holidays are lonely and painful for those who grieve the death of a loved one. Make a commitment to do something to let them know you remember they are still grieving.  Just let them know you remember and care.  It’s really that simple!